A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a fighter pilot called Poe Dameron who owned the coolest jacket in the galaxy.
People were envious of the jacket, and coveted it, especially the First Order, a group of disgruntled customers of a mail order company called Republic Clothing from which Poe had originally obtained his jacket. They were unsatisfied with a bulk order of clothing that had been delivered to them, but had been unable to return or exchange this "first order" of clothing. As a consequence they all had to wear matching clothes that were precisely the wrong kind of retro. They were very angry about this sub-standard level of customer service.
Then they heard that an old guy on a planet called literally "Jacket" had the address of an old Jewish tailor who could make jackets just like Poe's. The problem was this tailor had gone missing. People knew this old tailor, the last Jewish tailor in Glasgow, lived somewhere in the Southside, but no-one really knew exactly where the Southside was, as it lay beyond the outer rim of the Glasgow Underground system, and so they realised they would need an address, or a postcode at least, if they wanted to find him.
But before they could get the address, Poe got to the old guy first and got the address details off him for a second hand clothes shop just off Byres Road in the West End, called Resistance, who wanted to preserve the vintage status of Poe's jacket and prevent any dodgy knock-offs being made that might reduce its value.
The First Order captured Poe, and their head buyer, a guy called Kylo Ren, struck a serious pose. He had a special power that allowed him to breathe out of the palm of his hand, and he tried to force Poe to smell his breath. But his breath was so bad it made Poe scream in agony and he had to get away somehow.
Fortunately there was a junior member of the First Order, whose name at this point consisted mainly of chest and neck measurements or washing instructions or something, who simply could not tolerate wearing such a restricted pallete of colours any-more. He helped Poe escape and in return Poe changed the guy's name to Finn.
Then their spaceship crashed and in the debris Finn saw the jacket just lying there. Poe was nowhere to be found. Only his jacket could be seen. So, once Finn was sure he would get away with it, he just took the jacket and wandered off. While wondering what to do next, a woman called Rey and a robot who recognised the jacket attacked him. To make them let him keep the jacket, he told them Poe was dead, and that he was a sales assistant at Resistance. So they all headed off in the direction of the West End to sort things out.
On the way they bumped into a former employee of Resistance, who could remember back when it was called Rebellion, before it changed its name, a guy called Han Solo. They went to the Scotia Bar with him for a drink, where Han bumped into his ex, Leia. She accused him of wearing an old jacket. He said "no, it's a new jacket". He just liked to get the same kind of jacket. "I know what I like and I like what I know", he said.
It all kicked off and in the melee Poe turned up, throwing punches. Apparently he wasn't dead after all. Finn offered to give Poe his jacket back but Poe just said "keep it, it suits you" and Finn began wondering if perhaps Poe fancied him.
Just then news came in that the First Order had totally lost it and had fire-bombed the Republic Clothing warehouse in Springburn. Resistance sent in a crack team of fashion stylists to try and co-ordinate things, and it was at this point that Rey got a chance to try on Poe's jacket briefly as a consequence of a continuity error. A tall unshaven delivery van driver from Aberdeen with an impenetrable accent tried to offer Han Solo a coat because it was cold, but Han scorned such practicality.
In a flashback sequence we discover Kylo used to hang around with the other goths at the GoMA steps. But Han had put a stop to that by insisting he get a Saturday job in a clothes shop. Han was his dad.
So Kylo killed Han with a magic red laser sword. Then he got into a fight with Rey and Finn and totally trashed the jacket (which Finn was wearing again, thanks to poor continuity) by slashing it right down the back with his magic red laser sword, and Finn swooned.
So Rey had to use the address details, including postcode, to go to the Jewish tailor on the Southside, to get the jacket repaired. She got a lift to the Southside off the unshaven tall Aberdonian delivery van driver, and climbed up to the tailor's shop, which was near Langside Monument, and offered him a magic blue laser sword in payment.
Then she realised she had forgotten to bring the jacket.
The End.
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